End of the Year Top 5 Train Movie Bonanza!!!

It’s kind of hard to argue with train-related movies (well, train-related anything). Throughout the history of cinema, there have been some classic train films, so many that when the magazine Trains produced their list of the top 100 train movies, they were forced to leave off the 1985 classic Runaway Train starring Jon Voight and Rebecca DeMornay. The Train Movie Hall of Fame includes comedies (Trains, Planes and Automobiles; Throw Momma from the Train), musical comedies (A Hard Day’s Night), comedic thrillers (The Silver Streak), stupid cartoons (Dumbo; The Polar Express), time travel westerns (Back to the Future 3), non-time travel westerns (The Great Train Robbery; 3:10 to Yuma; Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid; every other awesome western); interracial buddy action comedies (Money Train); and of course World War II movies (The Train).

Sidenote: If you haven’t seen The Train, fucking watch it now. Stop reading this, go to your Netflix Instant Queue where it is currently streaming, and watch this absolute classic. This blog entry can wait, but you cannot afford another minute of your life without watching The Train.

More recently, there has been a revival of train-related movies. Public Enemies featured both the Milwaukee Road 261 (brilliant) and the Union Pacific Challenger (great train, but what the hell would it be doing in Chicago in 1934?!), and Transsiberian, whose plot derailed (yuck yuck) about an hour into the film, features some outstanding Soviet-era steam locomotives. There has even been a (very well done) remake of 3:10 to Yuma. The watershed moment of this most recent train movie renaissance is undoubtedly 2010’s Unstoppable. Since Denzel and the new Captain Kirk’s stirring performances (not to mention the Oscar-worthy performance of the Geep they pilot), 2011 has seen a flurry of train movies. What follows is a list of the best train movies of 2011.

5. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II

Didn’t see that coming, did you?

The Train: The Hogwarts Express. It runs on “magic.” I hated typing those words.

Anyone who knows me, knows I hate these damn movies. But I find it appropriate that this train (a facsimile of a classic British 4-4-0 steam engine) is the primary mode of transport between the actual world and “wizard school,” as it’s referred to in the movie. Beyond that, this was by far and away the lamest of all the Harry Potter movies. I mean, how do you close out the series without one mention of Frodo?

4. Hugo

I have no commentary for this one because I haven’t seen it.

The Train: It’s possible there isn’t a single train in this movie. I really don’t know. It was directed by Martin Scorsese and is about a boy who lives in a train station. It must be better than stupid Harry Potter, right?

3. Fast Five

Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Ludacris and the rest of the Fast and the Furious gang are back, and some of them rob a train.

The Train: A Brazilian commuter train also carrying several sports cars seized by the DEA. In Brazil. Kind of a strange set up.

At one point during this sequence a truck hits the train, which tips to one side but never turns over or derails (obviously). The message? No matter how fast and furious the Rock, Vin Diesel, or any of their cars claim to be, there is nothing more angry than a Brazilian train.

2. Super 8

Goonies meets ET meets Cloverfield meets a train.

The Train: A U.S. Airforce transport train carrying mysterious cargo.

Though I obviously don’t condone trains crashing, this was one badass train crash, comparable to the famous crash scene in The Fugitive. The crash itself was mostly digital, which is a bit disappointing. I’d hate to see old stunt EMD locomotives put out of work by CGI technology.

1. Source Code

2011 had two science fiction train movies, Super 8 and Source Code. Source Code was the better of the two.

The Train: A futuristic Chicago Metra commuter train. WITH A FUCKING DUNKIN’ DONUTS ON BOARD.

Oh, and Jake Gyllenhaal gets hit by a Metra train. Don’t worry, the plot has something to do with time travel or something, so I haven’t ruined anything for you.

There are multiple train accidents and explosions in this movie, and there is a “Jake Gyllenhaal must save the train from an impending terrorist attack and bang the female lead actress” plotline. It’s basically Groundhogs Day meets Unstoppable meets Back to the Future III meets 9/11. The movie is interesting BUT HAVE I MENTIONED THERE IS A DUNKIN’ DONUTS ONBOARD THE TRAIN ITSELF?! There was time travel and a white terrorist but the most unbelievable part was the Dunkin Donuts onboard the train itself.

Cheesy product placement? Perhaps. Great idea? Abso-fucking-lutely! Americans are choosing their cars over commuter trains in sad numbers. Put a fully functioning Dunkin’ Donuts on every peak hour train in America, and I promise you we will have a more vibrant commuter rail system than Europe. And for that innovation, Source Code has been officially named the number 1 train movie of 2011.